1.4 Now and Then

A choir of birds sing so loud the whole camp can hear their tunes. Trees gently dance to their harmonies and beneath them, roses gradually wake from their deep winter sleep. Sun floods in and lights up the white walls like a stage-ready to perform. In the distance, a powerful sea rumbles like a hungry lion waiting for dinner. In the garden, each blade of grass basks in the morning rays and slowly remove layers of frost as the temperature rises. Bees and bugs leap from flower to flower and the smell of pollen leaks into the air. Above them, big branches support a treehouse fit for kings that watches over the field below. Beneath is a swing, that grows older each day looking more and more exhausted and heading into retirement. Out the front is a gate that guards unwanted guests. Branches and vines hug the wooden gate in a lacey pattern. Beside that is a garage full of engine-powered toys and odds and bobs. One car, two couches, three fridges for some reason I am still yet to learn and four motorbikes. A path of circular concrete steps painted all shades leads you back to the house.

The essence of lunch cooking can be smelt from the park down the road. Spaghetti toasties will always bring kids running. Inside, there are two rocking chairs that are older than Noahs Ark. A room full of tall and well-stocked cupboards is where all the hungry kids wait to be fed. Games, puzzles and books are crammed into a cabinet taller than me, kept safe for rainy days. Crisp white walls lead you through a maze and into the bedrooms where two bunks wait for the sun to fall. Beneath the carpet is worn, yet full of fantasy and memories. A ruby rose rug warms the ground underneath the beds. Sounds of the dishwasher buzz, the dryer whizz and the milkshake maker drown the racket of other children outside. On the kitchen bench, fresh flowers stand confidently in their vase. Slowly the petals age and fall to the tabletop.

Water drips from the ceiling like teardrops streaming from a child’s face. The house has been left alone with a leak for years waiting for a return. Leaves cover the ground like a warm winter blanket. Above them, trees encase the house creating a cave of branches. The garden looks more like a forest that needs to go to the hairdresser and the once clean and tidy treehouse is now camouflaged by the jungle surrounding it. The gate is now fully clothed in vines and the wood is no longer visible. The worn tire swing that was attached to an old branch is dead and broken. An arm of the tree has fallen to its grave and taken the old swing with it. Moss has made itself at home near the base of the tree and the deceased swing. It coats the tire and has also made its way to the slippery verandah. A green skating rink is now where the sun once glistened on the wooden deck.

Damp is the world the describes the feeling of inside the house. Rooms are crisp like refrigerators on the cold mornings. Dust now coats the once immaculate house. Water trickles from the swimming pool in the laundry cupboard. Shampoo, conditioner and other beauty products swim in the unwanted pool. Mould coats the casing of each product. A musty and damp aroma fills the room. Soggy walls line the south side of the house. For the past two years, the house has been miserable but not completely alone. Mice have made themselves at home in the soft pillowy towels. Evidence still remains of their being. The cupboard full of now ancient and unused board games is also thick in dust waiting again to be used. Stored in frames on the wall are small images of times long ago that will never be forgotten. A place kept for the next generation to come.

2 Replies to “1.4 Now and Then”

  1. Hey Millie,

    I can see the outline of this piece taking shape. Keep on building the layers of this scene.

    A few things you can consider:

    – Find the balance between figurative and literal language. You don’t want to manipulate the scene so far that your reader can’t actually imagine where they are.

    – Be original with your descriptions. How can you describe things with your unique perspective and in a way that is fresh and new.

    – Make sure your verb for is correct. You are using the ‘continuous’ form when you actually need to be using the ‘simple’. You want this piece to be active and delivered fluently.

    Mrs. P

  2. Hi Millie,

    You have worked hard during the first half of this assessment. Well done! Your time change is distinct and gives you a lot to work with.

    During the final four hours, have a think about:

    – Try to avoid always beginning your sentence with the subject (the thing/person that the sentence is about). Vary your sentence starters so that the piece has better flow and each sentence leads into the one that follows.

    – In your attempt to balance the piece, you have started to ‘tell’ many of the details rather than letting the verbs and language devices do their work. Try to avoid over-using ‘like’ or ‘as’ (similes can come across simplistic when used a lot). Keep looking for that balance between the literal and figurative.

    – Look to create a consistent tone/mood in each time frame. Selecting adjectives, verbs and adverbs that all complement each other, alongside ‘theming’ your devices will help you to do this.

    Make sure you leave time to read this work out loud to yourself. Sometimes, hearing the piece helps you pick up mechanical errors better than when you read inside your head.

    Mrs P

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